Some time back, there were discussions on the forum of both marriage proposals and period wedding ceremonies.In reading for another topic this week, I came across the following in Inquire Within for Anything You Want to Know, or Over Three Thousand Seven Hundred Facts Worth Knowing (New York: Dick and Fitzgerald, 1856), pp. 352-360:
2865. THE ETIQUETTE OF COURTSHIP AND MARRIAGE.--No subject in this work is more important, and certainly none will be studied with as much attention, as that of the present section. Love is the universal passion, courtship is the most interesting avocation of human life, and marriage one of the great ends of existence. As our wives are not purchased as in China, nor stolen as in some parts of Africa, nor in general negotiated for by parents, as in some countries in Europe, but wooed and won by polite attentions, the manner in which a gentleman should behave towards ladies is a matter of the greatest importance. Charms, filters, and talismans, are used no longer--the only proper talismans are worth and accomplishments. (_See_ 1211.)2866. HOW TO WIN THE FAVOR OF LADIES.--To win the favor of ladies, dress and manner must never be neglected. Women look more to sense than to beauty, and a man shows his sense, or his want of it, in every action of his life. When a young man first finds himself in the company of the other sex, he is seldom free from a degree of bashfulness, which makes him more awkward than he would otherwise appear, and he very often errs from real ignorance of what he should say or do. Though a proper feeling of respect and kindness, and a desire to be obliging and agreeable, will always be recognized and appreciated, there are certain forms very convenient to be understood.
2867. HOW TO ADDRESS A LADY.--We address a married lady, or widow, as Madam, or by name, as Missis or Mistress Jones. In answering a question, we contract the Madam to ma'am--as "yes, ma'am, no, ma'am, very fine day, ma'am.'
2868. A single lady, of a certain age, may also be addressed as Madam.
2869. A young lady, if the eldest of the family, unmarried, is entitled to the sirname , as Miss Smith, while her younger sisters are called Miss Mary<,> Miss Julia, &c. The term "Miss," used by itself, is very inelegant.2870. It is expected that gentlemen will, upon every proper occasion, offer civilities to ladies of their acquaintance, and especially to those for whom they have a particular attachment.
2871. A gentleman meeting a lady at an evening party, is struck with her appearance. Ascertaining that she is not engaged, which he may do from some acquaintance, he takes some opportunity of saying,
"Miss Ellen, will you honor me, by accepting my escort home, to-night?" or,
"Miss Ellen, shall I have the pleasure of seeing you home?" or,
"Miss Ellen, make me happy by selecting me for your cavalier;" or,
"Miss Ellen, shall I have the pleasure of protecting you?"
The last, of course, as the others, may be half in fun, for these little matters do not require much seriousness. The lady replies, if engaged,
"Excuse me, sir, I am already provided for;" or, pleasantly,
"How unfortunate! If you had been five minutes earlier, I might have availed myself of your services;" or, if disengaged,
"Thank you, sir, I shall be obliged for your attention;" or,
"With pleasure, sir, if my company will pay you for your trouble;" or, any other pleasant way of saying that she accepts, and is grateful for the attention proffered to her.
2872. The preliminaries settled, which should be as early as possible, his attention should be public. He should assist her in putting on her cloak and shawl, and offer his arm before leaving the room.
2873. PRELIMINARIES OF COURTSHIP.
2874. There is no reason why the passion of love should be wrapped up in mystery. It would prevent much and complicated misery in the world, if all young persons understood it.
2875. According to the usages of society, it is the custom for the man to propose marriage, and for the female to refuse or accept the offer, as she may think fit. There ought to be a perfect freedom of the will in both parties.
2876. When a young man admires a lady, and thinks her society necessary to his happiness, it is proper, before committing himself, or inducing the object of his admiration to do so, to apply to her parents or guardians for permission to address her; this is a becoming mark of respect, and the circumstances must be very peculiar which would justify a deviation from this course.2877. Everything secret and unacknowledged is to be avoided, as the reputation of a clandestine intercourse is always more or less injurious through life. The romance evaporates, but the memory of indescretion survives.
2878. Young men frequently amuse themselves by playing with the feelings of young women. They visit them often, they walk with them, they pay them divers attentions, and after giving them an idea that they are attached to them, they either leave them, or, what is worse, never come to an explanation of their sentiments. This is to act the character of a _dangler_, a character truly dastardly and infamous.
2879. HOW TO COMMENCE A COURTSHIP.*--A gentleman having met a lady at social parties, danced with her at balls, accompanied her to and from church, may desire to become more intimately acquainted. In short, you wish to commence a formal courtship. This is a case for palpitations, but forget not that "faint heart never won fair lady." What will you do? Why, taking some good opportunity, say,
"Miss Wilson, since I became acquainted with you, I have been every day more pleased with your society, and I hope you will allow me to enjoy more of it--if you are not otherwise engaged, will you permit me to visit you on Sunday evening?"
The lady will blush, no doubt--she may tremble a little, but if your proposition is acceptable to her, she may say,
"I am grateful for your good opinion, and shall be happy to see you."
Or if her friends have not been consulted, as they usually are before matters proceed so far, she may say:
"I am sensible of your kindness, sir; but I cannot consent to a private interview, without consulting my family."
Or she may refuse altogether, and in such a case, should do so with every regard to the feelings of the gentleman, and, if engaged, should say frankly:
"I shall be happy to see you at all times as a friend, but I am not at liberty to grant a private interview."
*See the "Laws of Love" published by Dick & Fitzgerald. Price 25 cents.
2880. As, in all these affairs, the lady is the respondent, there is little necessity for any directions in regard to her conduct, as a "Yes" ever so softly whispered, is a sufficient affirmative, and as her kindness of heart will induce her to soften as much as possible her, "No."
To tell a lady who has granted the preliminary favors, that you love her better than life, and to ask her to name the happy day, are matters of nerve, rather than form, and require no teaching. (_See_ No. 320.)
2881. LOVE LETTERS.
2882. A gentleman is struck with the appearance of a lady, and is desirous of her acquaintance, but there are no means within his reach of obtaining an introduction, and he has no friends who are acquainted with herself or her family. In this dilemma there is no alternative but a letter.2883. There is, besides, a delicacy, a timidity, a nervousness in love, which makes men desire some mode of communication rather than the speech, which, in such cases, too often fails them. In short, there are reasons enough for writing--but when the enamored youth has set about penning a letter to the object of his passions, how difficult does he find it! How many efforts does he make before he succeeds in writing one to suit him!
2884. It may be doubted whether as many reams of paper have ever been used in writing letters upon all other subjects, as have been consumed upon epistles of love; and there is probably no man living who has not at sometime written, or desired to write, some missive which might explain his passions to the amiable being of whom he was enamored<,> and it has been the same, so far as can be judged, in all the generations of the world.2885. Affairs of the heart--the delicate and interesting preliminaries of marriage, are oftener settled by the pen than in any other manner.
2886. To write the words legibly, to spell them correctly, to point them properly, to begin every sentence and every proper name with a capital letter, every one is supposed to learn at school.
2887. To give examples of letters would be useless and absurd, as each particular case must necessarily require a widely different epistle, and the judgment and feelings of the party writing must be left to control both the style and substance of the letter.
2888. For a love letter, good paper is indispensable. When it can be procured, that of costly quality, gold-edged, perfumed, or ornamented in the French style, may be properly used. The letter should be carefully enveloped, and nicely sealed with a fancy wafer--not a common one, of course, where any other can be had; or what is better, plain or fancy sealing-wax. As all persons are more or less governed by first impressions and externals, the whole affair should be as neat and elegant as possible.
2889. _Popping the Question_.--There is nothing more appalling to a modest and sensitive young man than asking the girl he loves to marry him; and there are few who do not find their moral courage tasked to the utmost. Many a man who would lead a forlorn hope, mount a breach, and "seek the bubble reputation e'en in the cannon' mouth," trembles at the idea of asking a woman the question which is to decide his fate. Ladies may congratulate themselves that nature and custom have made them the responding party.2890. In a matter which men have always found so terrible, yet which, in one way or other, they have always contrived in some awkward way to accomplish, t is not easy to give instructions suited to every emergency.2891. A man naturally conforms to the disposition of the woman he admires. If she be serious, he will approach the awful subject with due solemnity--if gay and lively, he will make it an excellent joke--if softly sentimental, he must woo her in a strain of high-wrought romance--if severely practical, he relies upon straight-forward common sense.
2892. There is one maxim of universal application--Never lose an opportunity. What can a woman think of a lover who neglects one? Women cannot make direct advances, but they use infinite tact in giving men occasions to make them. In every case, it is fair to presume that when a woman gives a man an opportunity, she expects him to improve it; and though he may tremble, and feel his pulses throbbing and tingling through every limp; though his heart is filling up his throat, and his tongue cleaves to the roof of his mouth, yet the awful question must be asked--the fearful task accomplished.
2893. In the country, the lover is taking a romantic walk by moonlight, with the lady of his love--talks of the beauty of the scenery, the harmony of nature, and exclaims, "Ah! Julia, how happy would existence prove, if I always had such a companion!"
She sighs, and leans more fondly on the arm that tremblingly supports her.
"My dearest Julia, be mine forever!"
This is a settler, and the answer, ever so inaudible, "makes or undoes him quite."
2894. "Take pity on a forlorn bachelor," says another, in a manner either in jest or earnest," "marry me at once, and put me out of my misery.'
"With all my heart, whenever you are ready," replies the laughing fair. A joke carried thus far is easily made earnest.
2895. A point is often carried by taking a thing for granted. A gentleman paying particular attention to a lady, says, "Well, Mary, when is the happy day?" "What day, pray?" she asks, with a conscious blush.
"Why, everybody knows that we are going to get married, and it might as well be one time as another; so when shall it be?"
Cornered in this fashion, there is no retreat.
2896. "Jane, I love you! Will you marry me?" would be somewhat abrupt, and a simple, frankly given, "Yes!" would be short and sweet, for an answer.
"Ellen, one word from you would make me the happiest man in the universe!"
"I should be cruel not to speak it, then, unless it is a very hard one."
"It is a word of three letters, and answers the question, Will you have me?"
The lady of course says Yes, unless she happens to prefer a word of only two letters, and answers No.
And so this interesting and terrible process in practice, simple as it is in theory, is varied in a hundred ways, according to circumstances and the various dispositions.
2897. One timid gentleman asks, "Have you any objection to change your name?" And follows this up with another, which clenches its significance, "How would mine suit you?"
Another asks, "Will you tell me what I most wish to know?"
"Yes, if I can."
"The happy day when we shall be married?"
2898. Another says, "My Eliza, we must do what the world evidently expects we shall."
"The world is very impertinent."
"I know it--but it can't be helped. When shall I tell the parson to be ready?"
2899. As a general rule, a gentleman never need be refused. Every woman except a heartless coquette, finds the means of discouraging a man whom she does not intend to have, before the matter comes to the point of a declaration<.>
2900. _Marriage Ceremony_.--Weddings are everywhere accompanied with some degree of ceremony, and are usually considered as occasions of festivity.
2901. The preliminaries having been arranged by the contracting parties, and the lady having named the happy day, preparations are made for the wedding. Those who belong to the Episcopal and Roman Catholic churches are usually married at church, in the morning, and by the prescribed forms.
2902. In some cases there is a wedding-party given in the evening; in others, the happy couple make a short wedding tour, and issue cards of invitation on their return. (_See_ 2916.)
2903. Among other denominations, the parties are married by a clergyman or magistrate; and in the State of New York, marriage being considered by the law only only a civil contract, it may be witnessed by any person.
2904. Where a wedding is celebrated in the usual forms, cards of invitation are issued, at least a week beforehand. The hour selected is usually eight o'clock, P. M. Wedding cake, wines, and other refreshments, are provided by the bride and her friends for the occasion. The bride is usually dressed in pure white--she wears a white veil, and her head is crowned with a wreath of white flowers, usually artificial; and orange blossoms are preferred. She should wear no ornaments but such as her intended husband or her father may present her for the occasion--certainly no gift, if any such were retained of any former sweetheart.
2905. The bridemaid or bridesmaids, if there be two, are generally younger than the bride, and should also be dressed in white, but more simply. The bridegroom must be in full dress--that is, he must wear a dress coat, which if he pleases, may be faced with white satin; a white satin vest, black pantaloons, and dress boots or pumps, black silk stockings, and white kid gloves, and a white cravat. The bridegroom is attended by one or two groomsmen, who should be dressed in a similar manner.
2906. It is the duty of the bridemaids to assist in dressing the bride, and making the necessary preparations for the entertainment of the guests. The chief groomsman engages the clergyman or magistrate, and upon his arrival, introduces him to the bride and bridegroom, and the friends of the parties.
2907. The invited guests, upon their arrival, are received as at other parties, and after visiting the dressing-rooms, and arranging their toilets, they proceed to the room where the ceremony is to be performed. In some cases the marriage is performed before the arrival of the guests.
2908. When the hour for the ceremony has arrived, and all things are ready, the wedding-party, consisting of the happy couple, with the bridesmaids and groomsmen, walk into the room arm in arm; the groomsmen each attending the bridesmaids, preceding the bride and bridegroom, and take their position at the head of the room, which is usually the end farthest from the entrance; the bride standing facing the assembly on the right of the bridegroom--the bridesmaids taking their position at her right, and the groomsmen at the left of the bridegroom.
2909. The principal groomsman now formally introduces the clergyman or magistrate to the bride and bridegroom, and he proceeds to perform the marriage ceremony: if a ring is to be used, the bridegroom procures a plain gold one, previously taking some means to have it of the proper size. (_See_ 453.)
2910. As soon as the ceremony is over, and the bridegroom has kissed the bride, the clergyman or magistrate shakes hands with the bride, saluting her by her newly-acquired name, as Mrs. -----, and wishes them joy<,> prosperity, and happiness: the groomsmen and bridesmaids then do the same, and then the principal groomsmen brings to them the other persons in the room, commencing with the parents and relatives of the parties, the bride's relatives having precedence, and ladies being accompanied by gentlemen. In this manner all present are expected to make their salutations and congratulations, first to the newly-married couple, and then to their parents and friends. And where the wedding ceremony has been performed before the arrival of the guests, they are received near the door, having, of course, first visited the dressing-rooms, and are introduced in the same manner. The groomsman takes occasion, before the clergyman or magistrate leaves, to privately thank him for his attendance, at the same time placing in his hand the marriage fee, which is wrapped up nicely in paper, and if more than the legal sum, as is frequently the case where the parties are wealthy, it is usually in gold. The bridegroom, of course, takes an early opportunity to rimburse his groomsman for necessary expenses.2911. When the presentations and congratulations are over, that is, when the guests have arrived, the bridal party, which till now has kept its position, mingles with the rest of the company, and joins in the dancing or other amusements.2912. _The Bridal Chamber_.--The festivities should not be kept up too late; and at the hour of retiring, the bride is to be conducted to the bridal chamber by the bridesmaids, who assist her in her night toilet. The bridegroom upon receiving notice will retire, without farther attendance or ceremony.2913. The practice of kissing the bride is not so common as formerly, and n regard to this, the taste of the bridegroom may be consulted, as the rest of the company follow the example of the groomsman; but the parents and very near relatives of the parties, of course act as affection prompts them.
2914. The chamber frolics, such as the whole company<'s> visiting the bride and bridegroom after they are in bed which was done some years ago, even at the marriage of monarchs, and the custom of throwing the stocking, etc., are almost universally dispensed with.2915. WEDDING DRESS.--It is impossible to lay down specific rules for dress, as fashions change, and tastes differ. The great art consists in selecting the style of dress the most becoming.
2916. A stout person should adopt a different style from a thin person; a tall one from a short one. Peculiarities of complexion, and for of face and figure, should be duly regarded; and in these matters there is no better course than to call in the aid of an respectable milliner and dressmaker, who will be found ready to give the best advice. The bridegroom should simply appear in full dress, and should avoid everything eccentric and broad in style. The bridesmaids should always be made aware of the bride's dress before they choose their own, which should be determined by a proper harmony with the former. (_See_ 2904.)
2917. When the ceremony is performed according to the Protestant Episcopal service, the order of going to church is as follows:--The BRIDE, accompanied by her _father_, not unfrequently her _mother_, and uniformly by a _bridesmaid_, occupies the _first carriage_. The father hands out the bride, and leads her to the altar, the mother and bridesmaid following. After them come the other bridesmaids, attended by the groomsmen, if there are more than one.
2918. THE BRIDEGROOM occupies the _last carriage_, with the principal groomsman, an intimate friend or brother<.> He follows, and stands facing the altar, with _the bride at his left hand_. The father places himself behind, with the mother, if she attends.
2919. THE CHIEF BRIDEMAID occupies a place on the _left_ of the _bride_, to hold her gloves and handkerchief, and flowers; her _companions_ range themselves on the _left_.
2920. Remember to _take the ring with you_. The fee to a clergyman is according to the fortune of the bridegroom; and a trifle should be given to the sexton.
2921. When the ceremony is concluded, _the bride takes the groom's arm_, they enter their carriage, and proceed to the breakfast, every one else following. (_See_ 3131.)
2922. THE ORDER OF RETURN FROM CHURCH differs from the above only in the fact that the bride and bridegroom now ride together, the bride being on his left, and a bridesmaid, and a groomsman, or the father of the bride, occupying the front seats of the carriage.
2923. THE WEDDING BREAKFAST having been already prepared, the wedding party return thereto. If a large party, the bride and bridegroom occupy seats in the centre of the long table, and the two extremities should be presided over by elderly relatives, if possible one from each family. Everybody should endeavour to make the occasion as happy as possible. One of the senior members of either the bride or bridegroom's family, should, some time before the breakfast has terminated, rise, and in a brif but graceful manner, propose the "Health and happiness of the wedded pair." It is much better to drink to their healths together than separately; and, after a brief interval, the bridegroom should return thanks, which he may do without hesitation, since no one looks for a speech upon such an occasion. A few words, feelingly expressed, are all that is required. The breakfast generally concludes with the departure of the happy pair upon their wedding tour.
2924. CARDS.--With regard to sending out cards, as wedding tours are more extended than in olden times, they are generally forwarded about a week or two previous to the return of the travellers. Plain silver-edged cards are now most fashionable, but questions relative to them ought to be referred to the engraver, as fashions change continually.
2925. RECEPTION.--When the married pair have returned, and the day of receiption arrives, wedding-cake and wine are handed round, of which every one partakes, and each expresses some kindly wish for the newly-married couple. The bride ought not to receiv visitors without a mother or sister, or some friend<'s> being present, not even i her husband is at home. Gentlemen who are in professions, cannot always await the arrival of visitors; when such is the case, some old friend of the family should represent him, and proffer an apology for his absence.2926. AFTER MARRIAGE.--After marriage the bridal party usually travel for a week or two, upon their return, it is customary for the bride to be "at home" for a few days, to receive visits. The first four weeks after marriage constitute the honeymoon.
You need not retain the whole of your previous acquaintance; those only to whom you send cards are, after marriage, considered in the circle of your visiting acquaintance. The parents or friends of the bride usually send the cards to her connexion; the bridegroom selects those persons among his former associates whom he wishes to retain as such. The cards are sometimes united by a silken cord, or white ribbon, to distinguish those of a newly-married pair from ordinary visitors; but it is doubtful whether it be in good taste.A married lady may leave her own or her husband's card in returning a visit; the latter only would be adopted as a resource in the event of her no having her own with her.A lady will not say, "My Husband," except among intimates; in every othe case she should address him by hi Christian name, calling him _Mr_. It equally good ton, when alone with him, to designate him by his Christian name.2927. Cobbett, in his "Advice to Husband," says, "I never could se the _sense_ of its being a piece of etiquette<,> a sort of mark of _good breeding_, to make it a rule that a man and wife are not to sit side by side in a mixed company that if a party walk out, the wife is to give her arm to some other than her husband; that if there be any other hand near, _his_ is not to help to a seat or into a carriage. I never could see the _sense_ of this; but I have always seen the _nonsense_ of it plainly enough; it is in short, a piece of _false refinement_: t, being interpreted, means that so free are the parties from a liability to suspicion, that each man can safely trust his wife with another man, and each woman her husband with another woman. But this piece of false refinement, like all others, overshoots its mark; it says too much; for it says that the parties havge _lewd thoughts in their minds_."This is the sensible view taken of part of the etiquette of marriage, by a man of extreme practical sense.
2928. ACQUAINTANCES AFTER MARRIAGE.--When a man marries, it is understood that all former acquaintanceship _ends_, unless he intimate a desire to renew it, by sending you his own and his wife's card, if near, or by letter, if distant. If this be neglected, be sure no further intercourse is desired.
2929. In the first place--A bachelor is seldom _very particular_ in the choice of his companions. So long as he is amused, he will associate freely enough with those whose morals and habits would point them out as highly dangerous persons to introduce into the sanctity of domestic life.
Secondly --A married man has the tastes of _another_ to consult; and the friend of the _husband_ may not be equally acceptable to the _wife_.Besides--Newly-married people may wish to limit the circle of their friends, from praiseworthy motives of economy. When a man first "_sets up_" in the world, the burden of an extensive and ndiscriminate acquaintance may be felt n various ways. Many have had cause o regret the weakness of mind which allowed them to plunge into a vortex of gaiety and expense they could ill afford, from which they have found it difficult to extricate themselves, and the effects of which have proved a serious evil to them in after-life.When a man is about to be married he usually gives a dinner to his bachelor friends, which is understood to be their conge, unless he chooses to renew their acquaintance.
2930. WEDDING CAKES.--Four pounds of fine flour, well dried, four pounds of fresh butter, two pounds of loaf sugar<,> a quarter of a pound of mace pounded and sifted fine, the same of nutmegs<.> To every pound of flour add eight eggs<;> wash four pounds of currants, let them be well picked and dried before the fire; blanch a pound of sweet almonds, and cut them lengthwise very thin; a pound of citron, one pound of candied orange, the same of candied lemon; half a pint of brandy. When these are made ready work the butter with your hand to a cream, then beat in your sugar, a quarter of an hour, beat the whites of your eggs to a very strong froth, mix them with your sugar and butter; beat your yolks half an hour at least, and mix them with your cake; then put in your flour, mace and nutmeg, keep beating it well till your oven is ready--pour in the brandy, and beat the currants and almonds lightly in. Tie three sheets of white paper round the bottom of your hoop to keep it from running out, rub it well with butter, put in your cake, lay the sweetmeats in layers, with cake between each layer, and after it is risen and coloured cover it with paper before your oven is stopped up; it will require three hours to bake properly.2931. ALMOND ICING FOR WEDDING CAKE.--Beat the whites of three eggs to a strong froth, beat a pound of Jordan almonds very fine with rose water, mix them, with the eggs, lightly together; put in by degrees a pound of common loaf sugar in powder. When the cake is baked enough, take it out, and lay it on the icing; then put it in to brown.
2932. SUGAR ICING FOR WEDDING CAKE.--Beat two pounds of double-refined sugar with two ounces of fine starch, sift the whole through a gauze sieve, then beat the whites of four eggs with a knife upon a pewter dish for half an hour; beat in your sugar a little at a time, or it will make the eggs fall, and injure the colour; when all the sugar is put in, beat it half an hour longer, and then lay on your almond icing, spreading it even with a knife. If put on as soon as the cake comes out of the oven it will harden by the time the cake is cold.
Elizabeth Bowling
Mrs. Bowling - At Home
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